First Night Home- Aweful

March 16 at 4:37am

It's almost 4:30 am and I want to go see her. I want to hold her hand. I want to do the only mommy thing I really could and put milk on her dry skin. I want to bring her home and rock her and sing to her. I want to hear her cry. Just to hear her cry once. That cry they are supposed to have when they are first born that fills the room with joy. We never got that. I want to watch her breathe in and out instead of a machine giving her short breaths that made her look like she was vibrating. I want to run my fingers over her delicate features in adoration. I want her to nestle into me knowing that she was safe and secure. All those things I want and they were all the things I could have had just in the beginning. I can't even list all the things I want in her life. All I want to show her. It hurts.

20 likes

Heather Farhy: Emily, I've been trying to think of what to say since I found out about sweet Addison. Truth is nothing can be said to make your pain any better. I cannot imagine how you and your family are feeling. I am very blessed to have been able to meet you and Nathan. I am thankful for the opportunity to have taken care of your precious daughter. Y'all have forever touched a place in my heart. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort in these times of sadness. I pray things become easier each day. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Lynn Butler Harder: Emily, I am Julie Durham's sister, and I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I am heartbroken for you.

Serenity Anderson: Wishing I knew what to say as well. I love you and hope and pray you feel her spirit comforting you when you need it most. I'm sure she is concerned for you and wants to be in your arms to take away your pain. She is so beautiful, just like her mommy.

Taurus Womble: So sorry Emily!!!!!!! Rest assured you will hold her again!!!! She will forever be yours. ....

Elizabeth Jefferson: Espinoza Prayers and virtual hugs!

Bethany Anderson: Emily, I am so sad for your hurts. Your hope and dreams are divine and Godly. I wish you could hold Addison and stroke her hair and kiss her sweet face too. Your aching is tragic. I am so sorry. Hugs to you and your sweet husband. I am so sorry your hopes and dreams of motherhood have come to an unexpected and abrupt ending right now. Know that you are being thought of and prayed for by me. I am so sorry for your grief.

Martha Mooney Granger: they need "a that really sucks!" button...my heart goes out to you honey...there are no words!

Jefrilyn Ellison: I love you!

Jennifer Culp: Oh Emily! I, to this day, remember holding my breath waiting for that cry when I lost my little girl! I can relate to your pain & you are not alone! I will say to you that you did plenty of mommy things for her! You LOVED her, nurtured her in the womb, you nested for her! You talked and sang to her. The list is a good one! The sucking wound in your heart will, in time, heal. I know it is all you can do to bare it, but Father obviously thinks you are SO STRONG! You have the gospel, a good support system and a GOOD MAN that loves you like crazy! I couldn't not reach out to you in your pain...so so very sorry isn't even close to adequate.

Cheryl Solomon Collins: Even though we all our hurting with you many of us don't have any idea what this feels like for you and Nathan, someone like Jennifer Culp will be able to understand and I am guessing be a lot of help in the coming days. thank you for sharing Addison with all of us!

Shauna Baang: ((Hugs)) prayers and love

Nicole LaDeau Ward: It hurts so bad. But know that you ARE a wonderful mother with all the love in the world to give!!

Krista Mullins: I want to take this from you. I want more than anything to be able to fix this for you, to give her back to the most excited expectant mother I may have ever known. The pain I feel for you is almost unbearable and I know I can only feel an ounce of what you are feeling. I wish no mother would ever have to live this nightmare. I'm sending love and prayers for peace and comfort and promise you I WILL do anything I CAN do to be a friend and support to lean on and cry with when it's just too much. And I know your fellow mamas in Lilburn ward all stand with me in offering that same support and sympathy. We love and care for you and Nathan!

Tamra West: Thank you Krista Mullins for saying the words that I have been unable to find the last couple of days. I feel the same way. The pain I have been feeling is but an iota of what Emily and Nathan are feeling, which tells me that Heavenly Father thinks they are strong enough to survive this trial.

Trudy Moncrief Troxell: Thank you for sharing this. We will miss her and know she smiles upon the precious parents the Lord gave her. So sorry for you loss and need, sweet Emily you and Nathan will hold her and snuggle her one day. Much love!

Tonya Robertson Lowry: I'm so sorry. I have thought about you so much this weekend. I've been there and there are no words to describe the heart-wrenching pain you are going through. Sending you prayers, love and big HUGS!

Stephanie Waters: Emily we've been in one of the most beautiful places on earth since Tuesday but I can't stop crying. I only pray that the sadness that we feel will ease your burden slightly. It will be a long journey to heal; we will be here for you and Nathan. Take your time, and let yourself hurt. Heading home now, Jon too. Delta heard about baby Addison and put us all on a booked flight today, no charge. Unheard of in this business. I know your little angel must have had a hand in it. We will be there tomorrow to hold you up. I'm proud of you. Love, Steph and family

Emily Beth Rusch: That's amazing Stephanie Waters. I'm so glad y'all will be there. I wish I could thank delta somehow... It means a lot.

Channy Hansen Fish: Many tears and prayers for you.

Stephanie Gray Albritton: I want to say something, but can never find the words.

If there was one thing I could wish for you at this moment, dear friend, it would the gift of time. Time for your world to spin again, and time to forgive the rest of the world for not stopping to grieve with you; Time for the feeling of loss to be less palpable, and time for the hole in your heart to mend; Time for your mind to wrap itself around this incomprehensible new truth and time for life to feel less foreign; Time for you to reach that moment when a memory of your life together conjures neither tears, nor sadness, but a slight smile and the feeling of warmth that comes when one has known love.

Brandie Hill: Emily,

I cant find the words to express how much I feel and hurt for you and your family. May the lord bless you and Nathan that you may find comfort in his decision. That he may help you heal. I wish we all would have had more time with baby Addison, she has touched so many in her short little life. She will always be remembered. Please let us know if you need anything.

Lisa Sorensen: I, like many others have expressed, cannot find the words to say to you at this time. My heart goes out to you and your entire family. You will continue to be in our prayers!