March 27
It has been a hard
morning. I miss her. Those 3 words bring me to tears. It's so hard to miss her
here too. She was never here, in my room. She was never in her nursery. Never
in her crib. Never in her bouncer. Never here at all. I don't have a memory of
bringing her home from the hospital, just me trying to leave where she was. I
want to be where she was. Sitting by her NICU bed, holding her hand, and
speaking to her so softly so her heart rate wouldn't go up. I want to be on my
way to see her too. I want to be able to say, "I'm on my way to see my
baby." When I say that, I feel like a mother. Now, with out her physically
with me, no one sees me as that. A mother. And I mean all the people who don't
know me. All of you have done well to tell me how great a mother I am. But
still, now I have no baby to mother. Btw, looks like we will have a puppy in
about 2 weeks.
Some mothers who have gone
through this talk about aching arms. Needing to hold a baby. I don't have much
of that. I have what feels like an empty home. I didn't see Addison as just a
baby. I see her in many stages of life. Like her starting to walk and needing
to baby proof the house better. Or her going outside and leaving the door open
so that we have to catch the dog. Or reading scriptures together as a family
and trying to get her to put her cell phone down. I miss Addison not just as my
baby but as my child.
The child I never got to
bring home.
With a heavy heart today,
Addison's Mommy
28 likes
Brendi Hazelton: I'm so
sorry Emily just remember she was too
righteous for this earth. I would be so proud to say that about my child!!
That's awesome. Not many parents get to say that. I feel the spirit just
thinking about it
Jennifer Culp: Emily,
sorry you're having a hard morning!
Tabitha Weiler Armstrong:
You're in my prayers, sweet friend.
Lisa Cornish Kotter:
((hugs)) I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish I had something helpful to say. btw,
you are a really good writer.
Tiffany Spagnuolo: Burlew
May God hold you in his tender loving arms today and let you know he
understands your pain and loves you so much. He will be your rock. As he holds
your daughter he is also holding your heart.
Debra V. Wade: Wish I
could hug your hurt away. You are a mother to Addison always, especially now as
you mother her memory for all the little Rusch's still headed to y'all's home.
Sending big warm hugs.
Krista Mullins: Warm
thoughts for you today!
Catherine Doerr: Hugs,
good thoughts, prayers all for you today!
Karen Chirinos Bradley:
After losing our daughter (6 years ago), someone shared this poem with me. It's
framed in our house. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
To the Child of My Heart
O precious, tiny sweet
little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and
innocent
Just as you were meant to
be.
We dreamed of you and of
your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for
you to
come and join our family.
We never had the chance to
play,
To laugh, to rock, to
wiggle.
We yearn to hold you,
touch you
how we longed to hear you
giggle.
I'll always be your
mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our
child,
the child that we had.
But now you're gone...but
yet you're here.
You are our sorrow and our
joy
There's love in every
tear.
Just know our love goes
deep and strong.
We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but
never had,
and yet will have forever.
Sherrie Jenkins Dean: Some
days will be harder than other days but it will never be easy. Especially on
the hard days just remind yourself you will be able to see her again in heaven.
That is what I do as it has almost been 24 years since I lost my baby. I am a
friend of your mom's Emily and I must say I am very impressed with how
courageous you and your husband have been during this difficult time and I know
that your mom must be very proud of you both. Continue to rely and draw your
strength from God. Many people are praying for you and Nathan.
Valerie Jones Merrell:
I've been thinking about you all day. Hugs and love to you...
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