My Future

March 22 at 7:38am

Well I must have gone to bed too early last night because I woke up about around 6:30. Daddy is still asleep. What a long day yesterday was. I had been dreading it all week. Letting reality creep back in. I don't remember who said it but it's just tragic how the world keeps turning when your grieving. Daddy had to leave for work about 9 am. I followed him around the house like a sad puppy. I know that probably didn't make it easier for him. I cried when he put his shoes on. He held me.

I'm still afraid to be by myself. Not because I'm going to do anything dangerous but because I just don't want to get sad and not have someone to comfort me. I guess I also don't want it to feel like real life yet either. It's nice to have such great neighbors. The missionaries for our church are just next door. They sat with me yesterday on the porch area between my helper coming and Daddy leaving.

Several people have asked what I'm going to do now. Well my life was going to change and although it still has, my schedule will sort of remain the same. I am 8 classes away from graduating with a BBA in finance and I plan to complete that at the end of spring semester 2015. I plan to use my degree to manage our home finances and be a stay-at-home mom. A lot of people would like to hear me say that I'm going to go into the working world but I never wanted that and this situation doesn't change that. However, if I ever am needed to help in provide for our family, I would skip a beat. I will also continue with the same job that I had before Addison was born as a Nanny.

Some wonder if I can be around kids and especially infants. I can. I am cautious though. Some children have less of a filter than others and I'm careful to consider which children I expose myself to. I love talking about Addison especially when little children want to get to know her but I think some kids get stuck on the why question. Why did this happen. My response is always that Heavenly Father needed her back. For some kids that enough. I have a hard time if they keep asking why after that.

I am not afraid to be around babies but I don't trust myself to hold them right now. I don't want to start a downward spiral of dreaming they are Addison. I also don't want to be rejected by a baby. I know they cry for a million reasons but I'm afraid of equating it to them rejecting me as a mother. I know that may sound silly because "I'm a great mom" but I just can't make a baby cry right now. Otherwise though, I do fine to be in the same room with them. But That could always change.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

25 likes

Marcy Howard: as you know babies pick up on vibes very quickly. so the more relaxed you become, the less likely they are to spaz out on you.  We love you and Nathan so much! You are so strong even when you don't feel like it. Hugs my sweet friend! Thinking of you all the time!

Debra V. Wade: Call any time, day or night. Love you guys!!!!

Emily Rusch: Go at your own pace babe! Let life slowly creep back to "normal". You'll find a groove. Let yourself be sad at times and laugh at other times. Now that you're a mommy life will never be the same. Just gotta find a new normal.