An Adventure

March 18 at 9:27pm

Well we just got back from an adventure... which was probably a bad idea. I have had this black office chair for years, but for the last 3, it has been missing a bolt and no one has been able to lean back in it. Well tonight we fixed that. Nathan Rusch and I took a trip to Lowes. All was great, we brought Addison's bear (I will have to post about that later and its significance), we both wore sweats (I even already fit in some of my pre-maternity clothes), and I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday morning (leave me alone dental people). We are strolling along, taking it easy, and then I remember... I still run the risk of completely hemorrhaging (bleeding out) since it has only been a week since my C-section with Addison. All of a sudden I start to feel a little dizzy. Heavenly Father must have known I didn't think this trip all the way through because one of those big rolling ladders was left in the isle we were looking down. I sat as Nathan looked for the bolt he needed. I held onto him and he held on to me as we approached the cashier. I guess my adrenaline has backed off because I was doing a lot more when Addison was in the NICU... Walking back and forth from her to my room and even with the funeral yesterday. I never felt dizzy before.

Anyway, we made it through home depot and to the cashier. I leaned my head on Nathan's shoulder to shut my eyes and he had his arm around me. The cashier said in a cooing voice, "Awe, I'm jealous.... Should I be jealous?" I had a million thoughts run through my head. Thankfully Nathan answered a simple no you shouldn't with a smile. Want to know what I wanted to say? Sure you do.

First I thought, Of being dizzy? No, don't be jealous of that.

Then, Of my amazing husband, yes, you should be jealous of that.

Then I wondered if she thought we were married or not.

I reasoned, no don't be jealous if you think we are just boyfriend and girlfriend but do be jealous if you can realize we will be together for all eternity.

What my thoughts really climaxed to were this: But no, don't be jealous that I had a C-section a week ago, don't be jealous that my daughter died on Friday. Don't be jealous that her funeral was yesterday. Don't be jealous of all the things I wanted to do but can't right now. Don't be jealous of me at all.

No one should be jealous of me and I don't think anyone is. Everyone wants to help ease the burden but that's impossible to do. What people are able to do is make it easier to live with out her. Still I can't find enough for people to do.

One thing is for sure though, I don't want what happened to me, Nathan, and our family, to prevent anyone else from being happy. Don't be afraid to feel joy while we are hurting or you thing we are hurting. I will say I'm ok 80% of the time or there about. I do hope though, while you are feeling happy, Addison might also help you to be humble. I feel very humble right now. Very grateful for my time with her. Do use Addison to appreciate the joys in your life. I think she would like that, I think that was part of her purpose.

Until sometime tomorrow morning,

Emily (Mommy)

 p.s. Should I sign my stuff Mommy or Emily? I feel like signing Mommy but I'm not really writing to Addison most of the time. What do you think?

32 likes

Rachael Bonitz Sanders: Scary...take it easy Emily! But sign Mommy for sure! Every post is a reminder for all of us of the beautiful little girl you were blessed with.

Debra V. Wade: Emily, a saying I bumped into today "Heaven and earth may separate us today, but nothing will ever change the fact that you "Addison" made me a mom." Mommy is full of comfort and I suppose that all that really counts is what makes you feel best. Hugs to you both, your in our prayers.

Rebecca Harris Roberts: Emily- what a beautiful, well spoken Wife Nathan Rusch has & a loving mommy Addison will have for eternity. The way you're capturing your thoughts during this difficult time is so inspiring. My heartfelt condolences to you & Nathan.You are both in my thoughts & prayers.

Michelle Granger Moose: In that moment she should be... you had a loving husband comforting you in a weak moment. A lot of men would withdraw and leave you to handle this on your on. I am so thankful you have such support and love. Few can know what you are going through but you are so blessed for the love and support! I love you too and hate we are so far apart!

Shauna Baang: Your a mom now even though Addison is in Heaven. You still went through the initiations and you will always have Addison as your baby girl, so You are forevermore a true Mommy

Hannah Granger :Although it might be a little twisted, and I already thought this before you made this post, I am jealous that towards the end of your life here it won't be as sad because you will be so looking forward to meeting your daughter on the other side.

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: "Mommy" is the most wonderful, sacred name a woman can be called, and you have certainly earned it. Use it with pride!

JeNece Collins Clifford: You could sign "Addison's Mommy" because that is exactly who you are and always will be! 😊 Addison is definitely helping me appreciate the joys in my life that I don't always fully appreciate. Praying for y'all!

Tamra West: I used to think it was weird when my aunt and uncle referred to each other as "Mom" and "Dad" when speaking to each other. Now that I'm a parent, I find me and Greg calling each other "Mommy" and "Daddy" all the time, and it doesn't seem weird at all. Bottom line, you are Emily, Mrs. Rusch, and Mommy. You can go by whatever you like best. Personally, I vote for Mommy.

Tonya Robertson Lowry: You can sign it "Addison's Mommy" or any way that you are comfortable with. HUGS!

Emily Beth Rusch: I love Addison's Mommy. Thanks JeNece Collins Clifford and Tonya Robertson Lowry.

Melissa Jensen Allen: I'm glad you got out even for a short walk. Maybe the walk into a store is good and then grab a wheelchair. You do have a great hubby!!! I'm sure that's what she was jealous of!! Are you going to make a book of all these posts??!! It's nice to read!!

Martha Mooney Granger: I was going to say the way you signed it was just fine, but then i saw the Addison's Mommy idea, I now think that is the way you should sign. I also agree you should take it easy for a while before venturing out on any more adventures

Ginger Faulk: I agree...I think the cashier was probably jealous of your loving, supportive husband and of the tender moment you shared with him. Take it easy, I know you have things you want to do but let your body heal...wouldn't be good to have passed out in the store. Most major stores have those riding carts if you get too tired. I vote for Addison's mommy as your signature because that's part of who you are. Just because she's not here on earth doesn't change the fact that you are her mommy. Love to you and Nathan!