Try Saying it Out Loud

March 18 at 6:29 am

Guess who's up? Just guess... I'll give you a hint... Me. What an awful way to wake up too. Gosh these hormones. My side of the bed is nearly drenched in sweat. And yet the temperature in our house is normal. I promise I'm not any sicker than this stupid cold. This cold started with a cough and is now in my face. It's very typical that I would get sick though. I get sick when my stress level changes, the weather changes, and when the general population does. Thinking about my stress level, I want you to try something. Try saying this out loud, "the funeral for my daughter was yesterday." What about, "my daughter died on Friday." Last one, "my daughter would have been one week old today". Now I'm sure that wasn't any fun. I'm not personally crying right now but you might be. But those are my three realities right now. They are all I can bare to think about. I didn't necessarily plan to do this but I'm sure I would have posted pictures of Addison for every additional week of her life. I did that at the beginning of my pregnancy. I need help thinking of what I will do for each week now. It can't be too big. And doesn't have to be a fb thing. Get back to me on that one. I know we will be celebrating her birthday next year. And I'll be dying inside on her death day. Is that how I should say it btw, her death day? I need a word for that too. We may not have as many followers then but I think I'll be writing for that long at least. She has a stocking for Christmas too. It would be silly to get her lots of presents but I think we will get her something for Christmas every year. Christmas will be hard. Everyone so happy. I was so excited to pick out her Christmas dress. Children are the best part of Christmas. She would have known all about Santa and we would bake and create so many traditions. We would watch all the classes and tie her up in ribbon. Nathan and I still haven't made our own Christmas card although we have had 2 Christmases together. I was going to start with her. It won't feel right to do that this year. Maybe we can make her the Angel at the top of our tree though. No one else will have an angel like ours. No one ever will.

My thoughts on the funeral today put briefly are: it was perfect for Addison and everything mommy needed. There weren't a whole lot of people there right at 12 aside from family. We had arrived at 10:30 so any family could get special time with Addison and I had momentos to set out. The time went so quickly. The flowers were stunning. I sat in a beautiful chair to the left of Addison with Nathan standing by my side. It was hard to not stand and hug everyone because I wanted to but the chair helped to say that they needed to reach down to me. My incision hurt all day. I was on my pain medication and constantly had an ice pack and still it hurt. Later yesterday evening, my drugs had worn off and with no cold pack I felt 100x better. I wonder why I hurt so much at the funeral. Maybe it was the hugging motion but I think it was more than that too. I think it was emotional. Like my body kinda resisted me being there. I don't want anyone to feel bad now that you know I was hurting and giving hugs. I had to do that. I'm too stubborn not to.

The line to meet Addison quickly extended out the door. I wish I could have seen it wrapping all the way down the hall. I still hold nothing against those who could not come to the viewing for emotional or schedule reason. It was amazing for me though to show her off and see how many people were there to meet my daughter.

The viewing was supposed to go until 1:30 but really went till about 1:50 and the line was still forever long. I was scared that ppl may not be able to see her but the easy solution was that we continued the viewing after the service. I don't think everyone came back to see her that had been in line before but a lot of people did. My only regret or oversight is that I have no record of who was at the service. I would have loved to see and thank each person individually for coming. I don't know that they do that in normal funerals but I would have loved to be seated in the foyer to see everyone go home.

There were over 250 people there I think. The family walked in and sat in the front rows while Nathan and I followed the casket. It was nice how everyone stood for her coming in and leaving. Nathan kinda lost it on the way in. I definitely lost it on the way out.

The service started with a prayer which was beautiful. Then we sang How Great Thou Art. I should say, the emotionally strong sang... I did not. There was a letter from daddy read by Nathan's brother. After a musical number there was also a letter from mommy read by a sweet friend. We will post those later. We had decided the eulogy section if the funeral needed to be done by us because anyone else would not have been able to speak of Addison's life and personality. They could have talked about her features, her medical needs, and probably us as her parents but those were not the important things. We didn't want it to seem like she didn't have a personality because she did.

The musical number was also performed by a dear friend and was a collaboration of children's church songs that Addison would have learned. I also sang those songs to her in her last moments in my arms as well as every nursery song I could think of. We had for a moment considered having someone sing but decided that there is no living person who could have made it through the song.

Following my letter there were remarks made as to our beliefs by our church leaders. I hope that even those who do not share our faith were able to find peace in knowing how we feel about Addison coming and going so quickly. To simplify that feeling: we are honored to have been chosen to raise such a special spirit and would do it all again for her.

 I'm actually getting tired again... Took a few hours. I'll have to continue this post later. Don't let me forget.

43 likes

Lauren AshLee Sturdevant: Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and your beautiful daughter with us. She well never be forgotten. Remember that you and Nathan will have the chance to raise her someday. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sarah Latchaw: You know Emily when I got married my parents bought us a gift from their first newborn they also lost after living for a short time in the hospital. It was a very special gift and my parents said they picked out exactly what they knew he would have liked to get us for our wedding. Very special.

Amber Kunkee Boyd: I'm sorry you keep waking up. You could do a Christmas tree ornament for her every year.

Jennifer Culp:The angel on the top of the Christmas tree is a great idea! Also, a bithday cake every March 11th is certainly in order!

Rachel Christian Shumway: I have a friend who lost their son at 2. And they let balloons go on his 'homecoming' day. And in their family pics someone is always holding a balloon in his honor. Always. I've also seen them hold a pic of him. I think its super sweet. Also, I'd buy an angel ornament for my tree if I were you. She will always be your angel baby. Sending hugs to you. Also idk if you have read the book Heaven is Here, by Stephanie Nielson. It helped me out tremendously after a rather difficult miscarriage. {{{Hugs}}}

Amy Dupras Granger: Today, I think Addison is spending the day with her Great, Great Grandma Marion. She loved birds and I think they are listening to the birds together and watching pretty butterflies in the garden.

Tonya Robertson Lowry: In the baby loss community, the day your baby goes to heaven is often called their "heaven day". The one year mark is often called their "angelversary". We buy an ornament for Grady to put on our Christmas tree every year. He also has a monogrammed stocking, white velvet for his pure life, that I like to write in a card and put inside each Christmas. We have also taken the money we would spend on his Christmas and find a child his age to buy Christmas for. At the four year mark, we also found a little boy to sponsor through Compassion International with his exact birthday. There are lots of ways to honor and remember Addison. She looked absolutely beautiful yesterday! My heart breaks for you that you have to find ways to remember and honor her instead of holding her in your arms. Big HUGS to you!

Caryn Coln: First, I am so very sorry for your loss. I've been sick myself, so I just found out when I logged in to work this morning (don't have FB connected my phone). Second, in regards to your practice sentences on how to say you lost your daughter...how to express it can be the hardest. We have our own internal process of grieving, and sometimes just saying the slightest thing to someone else (or just yourself) is like that first jab of loss all over again. As I mentioned before, I lost my first son. We had planned a completely natural home birth with a midwife, and since all the outward signs were normal, we didn't know anything was wrong until our first ultrasound to determine the gender at 24 weeks. Then we found out he was dying inside me. So everyone I knew was asking me the next day whether it was a boy or a girl, and I would have to tell them what was going on (while crying, of course). It was both surreal and awkward. What was also amazing to me was how many other women had experienced a similar loss - we women don't tend to talk about it much. I am so glad that you're writing your thoughts out and letting everything flow. I wish you the cleansing of tears, and that solace that comes from the strength and love of the Lord and those around you.

Channy Hansen Fish: I am so sorry that on top of your emotional pain, you are feeling sick and must also physically recover and deal with hormones. If only you could feel physically well. My continued prayers and thoughts are with you. Thank you for continuing to share.

Ginger Faulk: Emily, the service yesterday was so beautiful and I'm glad I was able to be there. I didn't get there early enough to meet Addison and had to leave right after but you've certainly been in my thoughts. I'm sad that you have to deal with physical pain on top of the emotional pain right now...hopefully the physical pain will end soon. The emotional pain will probably never completely go away.

I love the ideas others have shared about how to honor your sweet girl going forward. I think the idea of a balloon (or some small token) held in all pictures to represent her is beautiful. Because of course we know she will be in those pictures in spirit.Thanks again to you and Nathan for sharing your letters yesterday. Nathan's brother and Jefrilyn were great representatives for you. Did you by chance include copies in her casket?

Debra V. Wade: Your strength humbles me. For you and your sweet Addison.

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

Kathie Wright: It sounds like it was a wonderful service. I lost my second baby and found out at the 20 week ultrasound. We didn't have a service, but I did make a memory box that holds the few things I have to remember Monroe by and I bought a ficus tree so that I would have something living to care for. I don't usually tell people or remind them about my baby. It's just too difficult for me to remember. You'll find what works for you, but it will take time to heal

Melissa Jensen Allen: Emily that was a beautiful service and you and Nathan telling us all about her was so sweet and so giving! She was more beautiful then I expected!! Breath taking really. Her white dress was perfect for her!! Thanks for letting us meet her and be apart of your family that day!!

We love you guys! Please keep in touch!!

Cheryl Solomon Collins: Emily on the way home yesterday I told my daughter how I wish I had some of your, I don't know what to call it, you are a "take the bull by the horns" type person and you will have no regrets that you didn't use every minute with Addison, I was 24 when my father died and I couldn't talk to him about it and couldn't share feelings I wish I had, thus I have many regrets. So grateful that for you and for Nathan and for Addison a lot of thoughts and feelings were shared!!