Letter from Mommy

March 18 at 10:58am

Letter from Mommy (read at the funeral)

My dearest beautiful daughter Addison River, how much joy you have brought me. You were loved before you were even created in my womb. I knew your first name before we ever had confirmation you existed. Your middle name was something creative that your father joked about, but I loved. The news of your pending arrival was greater than I could contain and so the whole world knew you were coming within a week of Daddy and my own knowledge. I knew you would be strong because of the sickness I experienced early in pregnancy. And you were. And I would do it all again.

A girl, a beautiful baby girl you would be. I felt blessed to have a child who had the same place in her family as I had in mine. I would have taught you how to be the big sister that your siblings needed. Now you will teach me.

You moved. You moved so gently in me that I was afraid it wasn’t you at all. But you reassured me it was as you grew and got stronger. I never worried about counting your movements. You were gentle. You were kind. You never made me hurt from a jab that was too hard or a kick that was too aimed. Sometimes you surprised me though. I guess most children do. I loved waking in the morning and feeling you both on my left and on my right. It was as if you were trying to stand up inside me. It would have taken you no time to walk. You would have gone everywhere and always had my eye.

I had to be ready for you. Your nursery had to be perfect. I was afraid I wouldn’t finish in time, and I didn’t. I will finish your nursery. I will go in there to sing to you and to rock you. I will go in there, I promise.

How could I expect you not to come early? Not to be a surprise? You never made me wait long before. I was so excited to see you. Your daddy and I documented that you were on your way with pictures and even a video to the hospital. You were healthy up until the last minute. Had you not been, we would have known you had a different purpose. Heavenly Father gave us all the joy of having you for as long as He could before letting us know that he needed you back sooner than we planned. So quick was your birth. Daddy and I were terrified. Thank you for coming back when they resuscitated you, even if it took several minutes. I needed to meet you. I needed to be by your side. I needed to hold your hand and help you to not be scared.

Daddy and I took every minute we could to teach you of all the things that you needed to know: how I joined the church, how Daddy and I met, who your family was, and how we knew it may not have been God’s purpose for you to be with us for very long. I wanted to teach you so much more, the normal things and the more private things. Like how to walk and talk, but also about how to tell a boy from a real man. Your Daddy is a real man. I want and wanted so much more for us.

How precious was the moment when I discovered I could help you. That I could heal your dry and red skin that resulted from the heat lamp that was required to keep you warm. It was a gift only a mother could give.
You were so beautiful. All that beheld you knew that you were a little girl without a doubt. They say you had my lips but had your Daddy’s skin and hair color. How I wish I could have seen your eyes looking back at mine.
We finally got to hold you, but for a fleeting moment. We talked to you and kissed you. I sang to you all the nursery hymns I could think of. It was the most precious 15 minutes of my life.

Thank you Addison. Thank you for coming to us, thank you for staying with us, thank you for teaching us, and thank you for watching over us. I have never felt such joy or such pain. Help me Addison to use the pain to feel the joy. Help us all with that.

I know that I will see you again. I will get to do all those things I want to. Help me to be patient for that time. Help me to practice for my time with you with the siblings you will have. Just help me Addison.

I love you. And I will see you soon.

Mommy — with Nathan Rusch.

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Serenity Anderson: Beautiful!