Freeze My Body

March 19 at 8:15am

I think some of you maybe were disappointed this morning when there was not a new post as soon as you woke up. I did wake up in the night but I actually was too tired to post. I wish I hadn't been. I don't want to go back to normal. I want to still wake up at 4 in the morning so I can go have mommy daughter time.

Other things are already changing too. My body for example. It's going back. I'm losing the pregnancy weight and not even trying. I only have 15 left to go before I'm back to my pre pregnancy weight. I hate it. How many mothers would say they didn't want their pre-pregnancy body back? I know it won't ever be the same but this body carried my daughter. It protected her. It gave her the nutrients she needed and still is ready to feed her if I only had my baby to feed. It's my personal badge of honor to say this was Addison's home, her safe place. For 8 months, 1 week, and 3 days she was perfectly healthy in me.

I wish I could just freeze my body in the state it's in right now. I still want my body to heal though. But I wish my scar was more obvious. Like I could wear it for all to see and all would know, you are a mommy. In some ways it's more tragic that she was our first child. We still have to wait for the community who doesn't know us to recognize us as parents. Sometimes they don't even think Nathan and I are married. Then when we do have our second baby, people will think he or she is our first. And for a lot of things, that baby will be, and that will hurt. I'm afraid for my second baby. Afraid to be paranoid the entire pregnancy. Afraid to not be excited enough for their precious life because I spent that energy on Addison. Afraid of being consumed by sorrow as I get to use the things that were bought for Addison and were made for her. I'm sure others will be scared with us. Some will be bold and ask if I'm feeling itchy which would be equivalent to saying, do you have cholestasis and are you going to go to the hospital and possibly lose another baby. A lot will just ask the normal, how are you feeling question that you get while pregnant. And right now, with the state I have been in, It would probably take all my effort to not explode onto them the way I said I wanted to do to that cashier. But that's not fair for that baby, for mommy to be so protective of that life and her feelings because I wasn't that way with Addison. It's just going to be really hard. At the same time though, I can hardly wait to be a mommy again. To really snuggle my baby. Most are probably wondering when that will be. I don't know. I hope sooner than later. I have to wait a year for my body to heal at minimum. That's all I can say to answer that question right now though.

There are more things I want to write about but I think I'll save it for another post.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

45 likes

Amy Dupras Granger: Fear not. God is with you. Addison would not want you to be afraid. She would want her siblings to feel all of the fearless love that you and Nathan gave her. So keep your thoughts on everything lovely and put all your trust in God. He loves you so much. Love, Addison's grandmother

Emily Rusch: You are capable of having limitless love. You will be amazed that you have just as much love and excitement for your next baby as you did for your first.

Tabitha Owens Welch: You are such a sweet mommy  Don't worry too much about Addison's brothers and sisters. She'll be watching over them and you. Also, they tell you a year but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. It mostly depends on whether you plan a repeat c/s or if you want to try for VBAC. Heavenly Father will guide you. Just take it easy physically for now so you can heal faster. If you want to go to Home Depot again, grab a wheelchair

Stephanie Gray Albritton: Oh, I'm so sorry. I prayed hard last night that you would be able to sleep so that you could rest and heal and I'm sure I wasn't the only one  As for other children, it's ok to worry and be afraid. Cross that bridge when you come to it. You will never ever have anything harder to do in your life than the things you have done. I hope that will make you feel strong. I was worried I wouldn't possibly be able to love my second as much as my first, but you'd be surprised how much love and forgiveness your mother's heart can give. It's like you grow a new special heart for every child and it loves only them. Addison's heart will always be there with all the love you have for her, forever.

Caryn Coln: The son my first husband and I was also our first child, and I will occasionally quietly, but firmly state that Connlaoi is my second son, because William, who was lost, was my first. It causes awkward moments - but don't ever feel you should pretend this never happened. I do think it affects the way you approach pregnancy forever, or at least it did for me. I was absolutely paranoid in my second pregnancy, and luckiyl I had an understanding ob, who gave me ultrasounds every 2 weeks to keep me sane. Once my second son was born, I was always waking up to go check on his breathing, which was too soft for the monitor to catch (thankfully, they now have technology you can buy that will set off an alarm if they stop breathing). Other than that, I've made every effort not to overly protect my child. I found a lot of inspiration in Katharine Hepburn's autobiography, when she shared that he mom let all her children climb right to the top of these huge 40+ foot tall trees in the yard...and would wave at them when they were up there. What a great way to teach kids to be self-confident! Hopefully soon you will be worrying over how high to let your kids climb...and always honoring Addison in your heart.

Kristi Yancey: I read an article recently (and I wish I could find it) that explained that if a women is pregnant, she will carry her baby's DNA in her body for the rest of her life. That DNA can help heal her from physical ailments for the rest of her life. It is also passed on to any other children she might have. I think it's beautiful that we are a physically connected to our children forever, and each child is just as connected to her older siblings. Addison will be a core part of each child you have in the future.

Martha Mooney Granger: I believe as time passes by, thing will come naturally to you, healing will come naturally, nurturing will come naturally, worry will sometimes come naturally. ..being self aware is a huge step that will help do the right things!

Martha Mooney Granger: I believe as time passes by, thing will come naturally to you, healing will come naturally, nurturing will come naturally, worry will sometimes come naturally. ..being self aware is a huge step that will help do the right things!

Cade Robertson: My grandparents lost their first child, too... They went on to have NINE more kids, and each of them has felt a connection with their eldest brother, though, they never met in their mortal existence. Pretty cool thing, the plan of salvation.

Caryn Coln: Kristi Yancey: That DNA thing is pretty cool. I didn't know that. Cade Robertson: I can definitely say that Connlaoi sometimes mentions his "older brother" who he's never met (in this mortal life, at least), and I think that's pretty neat. I think the more we share these things with our kids, the more resilient and loving they are. If we never mention our tragedies, how will they know how to cope with them?

Kristi Yancey: Here's the article on DNA: http://lauragraceweldon.com/.../mother-child-are-linked.../

Kristi Yancey: One of my cousins saw this post and sent me this link. She asked me to tell you that she is praying for you and your family. So many of us see your pain and wish we could help ease it. Since we can't, we'll pray to the one who can. Please know how loved you are.

Mary Rusch: Emily, you are an amazing mom. Thank you for being such a great example of faith to me. I pray that you will have an added measure of the Lord's spirit as you face this great challenge in your life. You have a great ability to love and will have lots of love for Addison's siblings. Love you. Grammy Rusch