My Baby Died

March 31

Did you hear the news? My baby died. She died. My first born child. My daughter. Addison died. All day I feel like I have been saying that. If not to people, then to myself. I'm not sure why. I think I might have wanted to see the shock on people's faces. Almost to validate that what happened to me isn't ok. I don't feel like saying it now. Someone else sort of said a similar thing bluntly back to me. I wasn't expecting it. I feel vulnerable again. Like I could fall apart any moment. I probably won't sleep well tonight. In anticipation of that, I'll keep my mind busy until I just can't hold my eyes open any more. I am going to exhaust myself so there isn't room to pity myself. I'm not afraid of pitying myself. I wouldn't mind that. But it's the stage after that that's scary and dark.

Hoping to stay out of the dark tonight. Help me Addison.

Addison's Mommy

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Sarah Latchaw: People You tell will see your strength and your love for your baby. (Some may not know how to react) but That is news and big news and if they didn't hear I think you are one of the best people to share that since it's your story. Addison is with you and is there to comfort you in spirit. She doesn't want to see mommy sad. You know babies can tell when their mom is angry, anxious and upset or happy. Addison knows everything. You are going through and The Lord has blessed her to be a strength to you when you feel this way. Abide with me tis eventide...oh savior stay this night with me, behold is even'tide. Hugs. We love you.

Hannah Granger: Addison gave you experiences none of your baby's will be able to give you... All of the firsts. First pregnancy, first ever baby hiccup, first kick, etc. No matter what happened with your body in the process of your pregnancy, you always had a smile on your face even for the curb side vomits because you knew it was her. I'm sure you still feel her. She is still here, her soul is still alive and we will carry her in our hearts forever. Your baby is an angel and not many people have that. She will be with you more than you ever thought she would be. It's easy to think about what you have lost but don't forget to think about what you have gained, in other words, don't forget to remember the life she had and the memories you had with her, not just the life she didn't have and what memories you didn't get to have with her.

Debra V. Wade: Addison has so many things to accomplish for her family, things that need to be in place for when you are all together and whole as one family. Hang in there Emily, try to imagine just how busy she is making things ready for that day, how happy and excited she is to have everyone meet her earthly family.. I know it is the last thing you might know right now, but this perfect little girl was given to you because the Lord knows what honorable and strong parents you are and will be and this Celestial child was entrusted to two of his most honorable parents. Hang in there, hang tight...we love you both so much. I know it seems odd that in only meeting you once during your wedding, that I know you, but Mary and I shared many months of travel back and forth to the Temple and I learned so much about the beautiful young woman you are through her.....she loves you so very much. Hugs Emily and Nathan, lots of big warm hugs!!

Ashley Tremblay: I wish nothing more than for you to have your sweet baby in your arms right now. My heart aches for you. I'll pray that angels will surround you. Keep you mind focused on the celestial light that sweet Addison has. Much love.

Channy Hansen Fish: I have to tell you that I resist the urge to comment or post something for you everyday so you won't think I'm a completely crazy stranger. There is a heaviness in my heart for you always, and my prayers for you continue. Feel what you feel, and don't be ashamed....even when people say all the wrong things. You are loved. Your post made me think of this poem (only I would change the last part to "does exist." Addison lives on and will be with you again):

ANGEL

I’ve lost a child, I hear myself say,

And the person I’m talking to just turns away.

Now why did I tell them, I don’t understand.

It wasn’t for sympathy or to get a helping hand.

I just want them to know I’ve lost something dear.

I want them to know that my child was here,

She left something behind that no one can see.

So, if I’ve upset you, I’m sorry as can be.

You’ll have to forgive me, I could not resist,

I just want you to know that my Child did exist.

Jennifer Culp: Emily- I have typed in three different comments here and have retracted them all! I really feel the need to reach out to you, but it is hard to know what to say, even if I have been through it myself! The slope into darkness can be a little slippery when grieving so I encourage you to continue with these posts, expressing yourself, and leaning on the family and friends for continued support until your wound is not so raw. You may even feel like you're coming undone at times, but have faith that there will one day come a time when your pain, your anger, sadness will not be so very fresh...the love that Father and everyone else has for you and Nathan will be the healing balm that you need to carry on. No one will EVER EVER forget sweet little Addison because she is an extension of you and Nathan and the tender love you two have for one another! FAMILIES ARE FOREVER and that knowledge can be a great comfort to us moms of angel babies in particular, I think. ( I am actually going to post this one!)