Please, Just Give Me My Baby Back

March 30

Ever since I got home Tonight, I have had this feeling that I'm dreaming. Like this isn't my real life. As if soon I will wake up and Addison would have just been someone I made up. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. This feeling is scaring me though. I want Addison to be real and the nightmare to be over. I don't want to forget her or pretend it never happened. I just want to wake up and have my baby. I want my baby back. It feels like maybe I left her somewhere and need to go pick her up. But she's not here. And I can't find her or think of a place she would be. It can't be real. It can't be real that my baby is gone. My baby girl couldn't have died. She was perfect. No diseases. No injuries. No malformations. So where the heck is she? How did she die? Why can't I find her? Literally I feel like getting in my car and searching for her but the part of me that still is a little sane knows I can't do that. I want to do more. I want to save her. I want to heal her. These can't be her ashes. This can't be my life. Where is my daughter? Why am I recovering from an incredibly traumatic c-section with no reward? I want my baby back. Someone please just give me my baby back.

I feel a little crazy right now. Maybe a lot crazy. I don't feel like I know myself nor does anyone know me. Am I breaking? Is this the reality check? Most of the time I don't ask for prayers but I think I need them right now. I hope I'm better in the morning. I pray that I am.

20 likes

Rose John: I had just said my night prayer with you and Nathan in it. I had a feeling to make sure to include you two, as well as Addison. I will continue to do so and I hope you can have the strength needed to get through the shock now that it's setting in.

JeNece Collins Clifford: Praying for you!

Annie Checkwood Guerrero: You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nyla Love: Love you so much Emily! Praying for your mothers heart to find peace and strength…in the middle of this storm. God bless you and Nathan.

Nadya Greene: You're in my prayers. And you're not crazy - you're a mother who's grieving.

Deborah Paulukaitis: Oh {{{Emily}}}. I just said an extra prayer right now for you. In some of my hardest moments I've often said prayers to Heavenly Father and asked him to tell my son things that I couldn't tell him myself. Keeping you in mind this fast sunday especially...

Clinton Hinckley: You got prayers Emily Beth Rusch!

Estella Brianne Killpack: Keeping you in my prayers

Debra V. Wade: Please know The Lord is with you. Kept talking, your in our prayers. XO

Jessica Brandon: Praying so hard for you. The reality is the hardest part. Just go with the emotions. Don't hold back. You are in my prayers, Emily.

Jenny Steinmetz: I'm so sorry, sweet Emily. She should not be gone, and you still here without her. It feels wrong. Perhaps one day you will find her, but it will be in the smile of a friend, and you'll know it's especially for you from her. You will hold her in the hug from a loved one. You will feel her warmth in the sun on your face. Smell her sweet baby scent in the flowers. See her beauty all around you. And none of this will ever be enough but she will be there. Much love and prayers!

Melissa Brown: You're not crazy, though it may feel that way. You're grieving, and that's so normal. Your daughter is missing and she is missed. Of course you want to find her. Hoping my prayers send some peace your way.

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you and Nathan. Love and prayers for you. Oh how I wish I could do more...

Valerie Jones Merrell: You're not breaking....lots of prayers for you!

Ashley Tremblay: You have an army behind you, praying for you. Know that we will never forget her. Our hearts hurt for you.

Nancy McCabe: Praying for you. You're not breaking, you're mourning. You've had a dramatic trauma of body, mind, and spirit. We are here to help you through it. We all love you and your family.

Emily Rusch: I'm crying yet more tears for you Em. Life just sucks sometimes.