March 17 at 7:59 am
I'm up. Have been for almost an
hour. It's also not the first time. Why must my body have needs I can't sleep
through. I sleep hard when I do sleep. Nathan and I are very opposite in that.
He falls asleep quickly but has been sleeping lightly and I end up awake for hours.
It's probably better that way for him to take care of me. I still wish I could
just shut my eyes and be gone though. Addison probably wants me to think about
her. To take this time not to plan or organize but just to remember her. She
knows best. I remember handing her over the night she passed. I have always
loved forhead kisses and I just couldn't give her enough. Her skin was so soft
to my lips. And her hair just the same to my fingers. After I blew my hair dry
today, it felt like hers. I just ran my fingers through it, trying to imagine
hers long. It probably would have been fairly straight like daddy and mine. I
would have let it grow to be about half way between her shoulder and elbow and
it wouldn't have taken long to reach that length.
We got to give her a bath before she
passed. We didn't want to be worried or rushed about her leaving us during it
so they took off all her non essential monitors and tubes. We used a little tub
of warm water and so softly dampened her skin and used the tiniest bottle of
baby soap. We washes her hair and there were so many bubbles. I would have so
much enjoyed her getting older and making Mohawks and other funny hair dos with
all the suds.
I used to be afraid of her crying
during bath time. Letting her get cold and not being able to go quick enough
because we were being so careful. But afterwords would have been great. When I
would snuggle her in a hooded towel and she would nestle into me for warmth.
She maybe would even fall asleep just like that from being so exhausted after
her bath. I would rock her and never stop stroking her freshly clean hair. She
would smell so good too. I can't imagine a happier state to be in with her. It
makes me sad to remember.
In half an hour my alarm will go
off. I won't sleep before then. I'll take a shower and eat. I will read my
letter to her over with the speaker so it will sound just like mommy meant it
to. My sister will do my make up. I will get dressed. And then I will go to see
her in person for the last time on this earth. How tragic it feels that it will
be the last time. That she must return to a state of what she was made of. I
don't mean bagels, gold fish, and mac and chz. I want to just be able to hold
her.
I hope to see you all today and show
you my precious little girl, Addison.
43 likes
Taurus Womble: Jelaire and I have
been thinking about you guys today. Praying that the spirt may wrap comforting
arms around you guys and shield you. We love you guys so much sorry we can't be
there...
Jefrilyn Ellison: She is thinking of
you right now, too. I am glad that I was able to meet her and hold her hand.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with me!
Deb Sutton: I prayed for you
throughout the night. The saddest thing a parent will ever experience is
closing the casket of their child. I am praying the Holy Spirit will comfort
you and that Jesus will give you strength and moment-by-moment grace. I'm so
glad we know the truth and reality of Heaven!
Joedian Douglas-Hullinger: We wont be
able to make it but we will be thinking of you and your family.
Ginger Faulk: I do hope to be there
today to share in the joy of your baby's short, sweet life here on earth. Sweet
Addison touched so many hearts.
Jessica Snider: We will see y'all
there!! What a tragic way to meet her...but still look forward to seeing her in
person...your beautiful angel we've been praying for.
Jon Allen: I feel lost here in
Arizona. Unable to be there with you, feel of your spirit , give you a hug. I
am happy to know that there are so many there with you that love you - that you
will be surrounded and buoyed up by their words and hugs and presence. I pray
that you will find peace and comfort in the knowledge of God's plan for you,
and for Addison. Addison, my sister and yours, a gift from God, who too briefly
came into our lives, and too quickly has gone, but leaving behind an indelible
bit of heaven to be cherished forever. Love you Addison. And we love your
parents.
Tiffany Spagnuolo Burlew: My heart
just breaks for you. I pray for your family to have peace at this time.
Jennifer Carroll Neale: Emily - I so
wish I could be there today to comfort you and give you hugs. I've been
thinking of you, Nathan and Addison all weekend and truly wish there was
something I could to to help ease your pain now and in the time to come.
One thing that has given me a slight
bit of comfort is that I can picture my grandmother - Nathan's grandmother and
Mary's mother - with a huge smile on her face, holding Addison with her strong
arms and letting her sleep on her soft bosom. She was an amazing woman and will
be taking wonderful care of Addison until you see her again. Please have
Nathan's mom show you some photos of her. Gram had given me much comfort when I
was growing up, and she will do the same for Addison. I can promise you that.
Sending much love, strength and
comfort to all of you today.
Debra V. Wade: We love you Emily and
Nathan and how blessed this daughter of God is to have you as parents. Thank
you for sharing your most tender thoughts with us, so humbling to read. It puts
in perspective what is really important on this earth. May your Father in
Heaven wrap his arms of comfort around you both, not only today but throughout
your journey here until you once again scoop this sweet angel back into your
waiting arms.
Tabitha Owens Welch: I've only met
you and Nathan a couple of times but I've known the Rusch family since I moved
here 8 years ago and I love them dearly. I was deeply saddened to hear of the
loss of your sweet baby girl. I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling,
but I want you to know that we have been praying for you since we heard about
Addison's birth. We will continue to pray as I'm sure there are many difficult
days ahead of you. I wish I could be there today to express this in person but
I have a previous commitment that I have to honor. My husband Ben is planning
to drop in for the calling hours so hopefully you will see him. I've been so
touched by all your posts here about your love for your daughter and your
feelings about her life. It's made me hug my own children a little tighter.
Thank you for sharing your strength and faith with us all.
Channy Hansen Fish: You are such an
incredible mommy in every way. Your words always bring hot tears to my eyes and
a sympathetic ache to my heart. I am so looking forward to meeting you and your
precious baby today. You are truly an inspiration to us all in your strength
and contagious love for Addison... though I'm certain that you would much
prefer to be quietly at home with your sweet baby and the rest of the world none-the-wiser
of your joyful start to motherhood. Whether you are up, down, or in between in
your grief at any given moment...you, Addison and Nathan are an inspiration to
us all, and we all wish to help you carry your pain.
Kristi Yancey: We won't be able to
join you in saying goodbye to your beautiful daughter. Just know our thoughts
and prayers will be with you today and in the months to come.
Serenity Anderson: How I wish I could
be there
Lauren AshLee Sturdevant :We couldn't
make it to meet your little angel. Our love, thoughts and prayers are with you
now and always.
Olivia Margarita Almendares: Your
letters were so touching, I felt such a strong spirit today during the service.
Addison was beautiful with such marvelous dark hair! Emily, I admire your strength
and courage, and I know the Savior will continue to help bear you up.
Katherine Brown Selin: The services
were beautiful and moving. Thank you for letting us be apart of her life.
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