Addison's Bear

March 20 at 9:54am

Well I guess not only is my body going back but so is my sleep schedule, not that I want it to. I only woke up once in the night around 4 am but decided I didn't need to go to the bathroom enough and wasn't awake enough to right a post. So I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I haven't been crying much lately. I feel like that isn't normal, like I should be crying more. I think everyone else is probably doing more than we are. But then I thought about it and figured, we are being prayed for by probably 100's of people everyday, Addison is helping us, and Heavenly Father knew we could handle this. So maybe its ok to not be crying very much. When I do cry, its usually at certain parts of telling her real story. The story that we didn't post on Facebook about what was happening when we stopped seeing visitors and just were by Addison's side. I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm not going to be posting that story. I like telling it too much. If I post it, then I don't get to tell you each individually and relive her life with us. I usually can't tell it more than once or twice a day because it is exhausting, but if you would like to hear it, don't be afraid to ask. Like I said, I don't want to post it, which also means I don't want to type it. You will need to Skype, Face time, or talk to me on the phone.

There were several things that were up on display at Addison's viewing that I know a lot of people didn't get to see. I don't want to talk about all of them at once but I will tell you about Addison's Bear (that's its name). You can see a picture of Addison's Bear that was posted by Nathan Rusch when he took it with him in the car and put a seatbelt on it. I used to cry every time I talked about it, but I'm getting better. Addison's Bear was given to us by Gwinnett Medical Center. They had so many things prepared for us to make her life special and this is just one of them. It is both wonderful and tragic that they had so many things prepared because I know it must have taken time to refine the process for these losses that are greater than anyone should go through. I feel like I'm stalling. Addison's Bear was given to us because no Mother should leave the hospital with empty arms. I clung to this bear as Nathan wheeled me out of our room, down the elevator we had been in 100 times, past the hallway leading to the NICU where we had been by our daughter's side every moment we could, through the doors we had come in just days before so excitedly, and into the sunshine that felt too warm and too happy to be real. I don't know that all grieving moms would do this, but Addison's Bear goes with us every where Addison would have. In the car, in the store, to see family, to church, and even in my arms when I fall asleep. Sometimes I worry what people think when Nathan is pushing my wheel chair as I hold Addison's Bear at the store, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

I love Addison's Bear. I love it's purpose and the comfort it brings me. I know I won't need it forever, but right now it fills the physical hole where Addison should be.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

54 likes

Lynn Butler Harder: Emily, no two people experience grief in the way or with the same timing. You are dealing with it very well and in your own personal way. if Addison's Bear brings you some comfort, what other people think is of no consequence. Hugs!

Debra V. Wade: Dear Addison's Mommy, Thank you for sharing these posts. I don't think you even realize how many testimonies you are strengthening, mine for one. Your trust in the Lord is humbling and I for one admire your courage. What an incredible journal you are putting into place for Addison's siblings that they too can know and love her just as her parents do. Our 7 year old granddaughter that we received custody of in December, can too testify of the healing powers of a simple bear. Thank you for all you honest words. As always, y'all are in our prayers and thoughts.

Krista Mullins: Sweet sweet sweet. I think that bear is such a great idea.

Ginger Faulk: You have to grieve in your own way. I admire you and Nathan and your strength and bravery in sharing this journey. Addison is so lucky to have you as her parents for eternity. I am so touched that you received Addison's bear at GMC - how thoughtful, understanding, and caring of them to make certain you didn't leave with empty arms. Proudly and lovingly take Addison's bear with you.

Camden Fordham Inman: I love that idea of Addison's bear. How precious. That will be something you will get to show your children and remember her by. How precious that is. I agree with them that no mother should leave empty handed. You and Nathan are incredible. Thank you for your posts. I love them.

Eddie N' Amanda Velarde: Emily, I know you don't know me. But I have been reading your post about your loss, and my heart breaks for you and Nathan. I can't even begin to imagine to pain you two must be going through. Your positivity and faith in the Savior through such a tragic experience is truly inspirational. I know sweet Addison was just too perfect to need to have to stay on Earth for too long. She is so lucky to have been born into such a great family. I am praying for your family during this time.

Tonya Robertson Lowry: I'm so thankful the bear brings you such comfort.  I encourage you to go ahead and put your name on the waiting list for a Molly bear. www.mollybears.com They are weighted bears that weigh what your baby did. The wait is long but worth it. I also encourage you to write the details you prefer to speak about somewhere, maybe in the journal I gave you or another special place. I completely understand you wanting to tell her story in person but to have it written somewhere will be helpful if parts of her story become foggy over time. Thinking of and praying for you often! Oh, and you will love blogging. I started a blog after Grady died and it was the best thing I ever did. HUGS!!!